Friday, April 29, 2011

Mental problems

OK, I am in the middle of one of those moments that kill diets. 

I am tired, frustrated, kinda hungry, low on hope.

 Something (well quite a few things to be accurate) is really upsetting me and it is making me feel extremely negative.  Since I am feeling kinda hungry but scared to eat (yes, whenever I diet I start to become afraid to eat.  Both my mom and grand mom were anorexics.  So, sometimes the old food disorder thinking raises its ugly head) and feeling emotional....well, I am this close to blowing my diet.

All I keep thinking is how much weight I have to lose.  I keep wondering if this diet will really work for me?  Can I ever get back to karate?  Am I fooling myself thinking I really can lose all this weight and become an athlete again-not to mention wondering if I can ever try to have a baby?  Right now all this emotion just feels like too much and I am over whelmed.

All I want to do is dive into a big bag of whatever junk food is in the kitchen cabinet.  So, what is stopping me you wonder?  Well, a lot of prayer and remembering this guy at the dojo named Rob.

Rob is one of my life heroes.  He had some substance problems when he was younger but he worked really hard to recover from a rough start in life.  He too started karate and quit before he got his black belt in order to deal with his demons.  Eventually he was able to return to karate clean, sober and working on his sobriety daily.  He got his black belt and a few belts beyond that as well. At the same time he maintained a great marriage and raised three great kids.

I really want to be like Rob some day.  So, because of that I am writing this blog instead of eating.   Today the dragon doesn't win!

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