Monday, April 18, 2011

4/18/11-Emotional Eating

I have to write this post quickly because I have an appointment at 11a.m. today but I wanted to share with you my last 24 hours.  It has been a really emotionally gut wrenching time for me.  Not to get too specific but a friend of mine and I have been having some issues together.  She has been a good friend since college-like 20 years.  But, lately I just can't be as supportive as I would like to be due to some choices she is making in her life.  This is compounded  by the fact that she is also battling breast cancer so tremendous feelings of guilt are torturing me about this whole situation.

We sorta had a discussion about this situation yesterday.  It wasn't as positive as it could have gone.  The sadness, anger, and horrible guilt I have been feeling since- literally has felt like I was being eaten alive.  So, I ate to comfort myself. 

I used to be a true binge eater after my parent's divorce in college.  But, since then I have worked hard on myself and I wouldn't say I really binge now.  Now, occasionally, I over eat.  Usually it is over feelings of guilt for not taking care of people.  I have a lot of people in my life that would love for me to completely care for them even though they are absolutely able bodied adults. The guilt of saying "no" in  nice way kills me.  I have to say it to preserve my life but it upsets me.  So, last night was one of those situations and I ate to shove down the feelings.

I ate some gluten free pound cake and some lunch meat to counter act the sugar surge in my blood stream.  Then I realized I was really feeling angry so my hubby and I got the Wii boxing game out and I faux boxed for a while.  It really helped!  I have to remember that in future!

Well, thank God my weight didn't go up.  This morning I was 304lbs.  THANK YOU GOD! But, I realized that starting a new life like I am trying to do for myself, you are going to go through growing pains.  Taking more time for yourself and less time for others is going to upset them.  I don't think I am being selfish....but self-full.  I turn 41 in a week and there are some things I want for myself:
  • to get that black belt that I never got because I was busy doing stuff for other people and then got sick.
  • to get my weight down enough to try to get pregnant with our first child
  • to feel healthy again after 10 years of being really ill
  • to feel good about myself.  You just are never going to feel really proud of yourself at 300lbs.
  • to make positive progress in my life that I can feel good about
What I learned is that nothing is worth me over eating/binging. I am changing my life and it might upset some people.  It upsets me now to think I am upsetting them but truthfully-they are going to be OK.  Maybe it will help them do more for themselves if I stop helping them so there is a thought.

To change your life you have to fight.  Fight hard and long to figure out how to keep moving forward.  I am not saying you have to become self absorbed but I am saying that you need to keep your eye on the prize.  Weight has always been my biggest battle and this time I am going to win!

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