Saturday, January 14, 2012

Saturday-dojo day

Today I get to go into the dojo for an hour and workout.  I am always so excited to go.  The problem is once I get there I sorta freeze up.  I guess you could call it performance anxiety.  I practise my kata all week long.  My husband reviews it with me most nights of the week.  Things start to look really good.  Then I get to the dojo and I will literally forget moves or screw up in some other way.  All of the progress I made that week is forgotten.

This journey I am on is more than just weight loss.  I am also trying to become a better person in every way.  My natural tendency is to be an anxious person, particularly around authority figures.  The more respect I have for a person the more nervous I can get around them.  This is what I attribute to my performance anxiety.  It is to the point that when Sensei leaves the dojo to run down to his house for a few minutes, suddenly I can perform kata well again.  Then 15 minutes later he comes back and I am back to sucking again.  Yup, I have issues.

My goal for today is to literally not care about anyone at the dojo (i.e. Sensei).  I am trying to remain calm and grounded.  And, I keep repeating to myself that it is OK to mess up today at the dojo. 

I know all of this sounds really stupid but it is part of what I need to work on to become the person and black belt that I want to eventually become.  Wish me luck.

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