As I have mentioned in the past, both my mother and grandmother were anorexics. Being raised by two woman with this condition seems to have shaded how I relate to food. I've been so proud of myself for giving up sugar that I have lost count of how many days I have gone without it. It is well over 40 days now.
The program that I used to give up the sugar was a very good hypnosis program by a company called Thinking Slimmer. It is meant to give you control over having sweet treats so you can easily give them up. But, it is also meant to give you greater control over the issue so that you can have them if you want them in moderation. Today I really wanted a treat. I saw some nice items at the grocery store today and thought that it would be nice to have something. But, it became a huge issue for me.
I sat for several hours today going back and forth about if I should break down and allow myself a treat or not. So far, I haven't given in to the desire for a sweet treat and I am not certain if this is a good thing or not? The fact that I have had to sit and debate it in my mind like this tells me that I now have a problem. This has become for me another example of the "all or nothing" thinking around food that being raised by an anorexic can create.
On one hand, I am grateful for how much better I feel since giving up sugar. My blood sugar is stable and I am have lost some weight. But, to live in fear (as I now seem to) of eating a sweet treat seems ridiculous. Yet, I do. In fact, I have even felt guilty for even imagining eating a sweet treat. So, as you can see, this has gotten out of hand. Time to figure out a solution.
So, I broke down and had a small container (5 oz. mini-container) of Edy's ice cream. I don't even believe it was a full cup's worth of ice cream. It made me realize that I had made a huge thing out of nothing. The ice cream didn't actually taste that good to me. After I had eaten it I thought that I would have rather had a baked apple. I am now happy to return to not eating very much sugar. It feels better knowing that I can decide for myself when and if I really want a sweet treat. And, that I have one it won't spark a binge. I feel much happier now.